Finding Forgiveness

“Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule.” ~Lewis B. Smedes

Since I could remember, forgiveness was something my parents had taught us as children in very plain terms. When someone hurts you or you hurt them, say you are sorry and accept the apology. Furthermore, growing up in a Christian Orthodox home, we were taught to forgive like Jesus taught: straight from the heart, no judgment and to pray for those who have wronged you. Forgiveness cannot be practiced in plain terms as we grow older and I think many of you would agree that as hard as we try, Christian or no Christian, practicing Jesus’ wise teachings is a lot harder than the Bible has explained. As we grow older we learn hard lessons along the way, yet we forget to remember the basic things like “please” and “thank you” and naturally our concept of forgiveness becomes either jaded or we forget what it really means to forgive altogether. Since my recent heart break I have been dealing with a wide range of emotions: sadness, anger (which is really just more sadness), happiness and numbness and I have been putting the effort in everyday to work towards a more permanent state of happiness. However, in order for an individual to move on into a healthy state of mind, body and soul; I realized that I need to forgive this past love for the pain that was caused. Not just for me, but for him too. I have only really known forgiveness to be the kind where both parties are freed from the pain and have moved into a place where they are truly happy and that type of forgiveness can apply to any situation. Here’s my problem: how the hell do you forgive an ex that has hurt you? It doesn’t matter whether the Ex had cheated, lied or just gave up, pain is pain and it hurts no matter what. When two people (or maybe just one of you) have decided to call it off, neither one realizes how much damage was really done and how long the road to recovery really takes. I’m sure time heals all wounds, but I know forgiveness would heal it better. Accepting what was done and how things played out is a lot easier said than done because there is always the question of, why? I heard a saying the other day that “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers,” and it’s the best answer to the “why” then anyone could ever give you and truly more satisfying than the answer your ex could ever give you. If he/she could come up with anything better than “I don’t know.” Forgiveness is a selfish act, but only if you do it for yourself and only if you keep it for yourself and even still, if it is a selfish act…it’s the most positive one I have ever heard of. I have asked many of my friends what they thought forgiveness means to them and this is what some of you wonderful people shared.

“Forgiveness is when you’ve accepted the wrong that was done and you are ready to move on from it.”

–MV

“Everyone deserves a second chance, if they really feel sorry and what to change. I think refusing to forgive is harmful to you because it harbours hard feelings and harmful to others because it doesn’t them live it down without remorse and looming guilt. It’s easier to forgive and not necessarily forget or be close again. ‘They say to err is human and to forgive is divine.’

“Forgiveness is not to forget. I believe forgiveness comes when one is ready to reflect on the past experience and has been able to learn from it.” K AE

“Forgiveness helps some people heal, I guess, but personally; if someone hurt you horribly I don’t think forgiveness helps.”

“Forgiveness is when you can come to terms with what has happened and you’ve realized that in actual fact what is meant for you is for you and no one person can alter that state. No one ever needs to forget, but definitely be able to put it behind you and move upwards and onwards….I think?” -TP

“Forgiveness is when you love someone so much that you can erase the pain they have caused you, or make you blind to the hurt they will cause again.” -NB

“Forgiveness is the act of turning the other cheek. It’s when you can come to an acceptance of why someone did what they did. It’s when you can say, ‘I forgive that person and pray for them in the future.’“ -N F

“I think it’s letting the person who have done you wrong know that you haven’t forgotten what was done, but you won’t forever bring up the issue, you’re allowing them to re-enter into your life. It’s as if you’re starting over with that person, no grudges held, and you are giving them the benefit of not doubting for the future.” -JR J

“I’ll think about it in the shower… Forgiveness is overcoming someone’s bad decision.” -A I

“Forgiveness for me is situational and also depends on who the person is. I don’t just have an all-encompassing concept of forgiveness.” –MB

“The innate ability to 'turn the other cheek' as it were. Forgiveness being Christ's gift to the world and all. Forgiveness is knowing someone's faults, and loving them anyway. Forgiveness is being stolen from and still having the ability to say a kind word about the person who did it. Forgiveness is being called a 'C**t' and still talking to the person said it. I would describe it as the most attractive quality a human being can possess (Even better than a sweet ass, beautiful face and perfect hair) and what separates Christianity from every other religion.” -CH